Monday morning brain flush

Random shit to get out of my head…

So, I was at the bagel shop yesterday.  I was desperately trying to puke out a couple more pages of well crafted prose before deadline.  Yes, I know one does not typically puke well crafted prose…I was on deadline, and all rules of writing style and etiquette are subverted.

Any way, there was a young couple there with a screaming child who was about three years old.  I gritted my teeth and wrote a paragraph about a screaming monkey that is crushed by a rock by villagers who hate him…then I deleted that paragraph because I just don’t have the writing skill to justify a screaming monkey in the forests of North America.

The kid finally shut up when they removed him from the high chair and let him wander about.  He teetered over to me and stuck his jelly covered hand on my leg.   I tolerantly wiped grape jelly from my pants, and the mother said, “You have a new friend.”  I gave her the patronizing smile one uses for the mentally impaired and tried to think of adjectives to make a particular sentence longer (see prior blog).

The kid moved on to annoy the fuck out of other patrons, and I was happy.  Like bad pennies, boomerangs and the Jersey Shore cast, he inevitably returned.  This time he reached up, grabbed my half eaten bagel, and took a bite of it.  He returned it with the amount of toddler drool one would expect.  To this, the mother said, and I shit you not, “I guess he’s hungry.” 

“Are you fucking kidding?”  I asked.  This caused a general pause of all sound and activity in the place.  The mother collected her beast, and they departed with ample glares for everyone. 

If I were master of the universe, I would probably institute an instant death penalty for fuckwits.  “Sorry, you’re a fuckwit.  Zap!”  Alas, I am not.  So, I went back to writing. 

There is a tremendous relief after deadline is met and the submission is made.  The next deadline seems soooo far away…until it sneaks up and bites you in the crotch.

My Niners and my Utes won this weekend.  I have no illusions that the Niners are particularly good this year.  However, after really sucking for so long, they picked the year of the Andrew Luck sweepstakes to be solidly mediocre….sigh.  The runnin’ Utes are getting a crash course in the relative sizes of fish and ponds.

With the Arab Spring revolutions and the virally spreading Occupy protests, there is a general feeling of something significant and imminent shifting in the world.  I just hope it doesn’t happen on a deadline weekend.

I’m Darren, and I write.


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4 Responses to Monday morning brain flush

  1. charlieopera says:

    Kids, can’t shoot’em and can’t put’em in a bag.

    Or their parents.

    Not yet anyway.

    As to your 9’ers … worst NFL game I ever witnessed was in Frisco when my Bills played your 9’ers to a 35-32 or 33 win without a single punt (this back when we were losing super bowls every year for 4 years). Every drive was either a score of some kind or a turnover. Obviously my new bills and their Hah-vahd QB (figures, he went to school in New England), are trying outdo the stupidity of a no-huddle/no win super bowl mentality. 1st and 10 with 3 minutes left in the game on the Giant 27 yard line and what does he do? Throws a pass meant for the outside shoulder pass to the inside shoulder for his 2nd such interception of the game … of course the idea of running the ball 3 straight plays, running out the clock and kicking a field goal never entered his mind. My good karma is ruined for 2 weeks (bye weeks suck) … how am I supposed to remain a non-violent individual for 2 weeks after blowing a game like that?

    Okay, I’ll eat 40 or so pancake this morning … that should help.

    Your articles are always GREAT. At least they make me smile before I punch the cabinets.

  2. Kelly Gamble says:

    I usually tell parents like this that I have an incurable and highly contagious disease and they probably should keep their kid at least 50 feet away from me. Then I kick back and relax, thinking of the hours that parent will spend in the doctors office with their child going through every test that their insurance will allow, just to make sure the little fucker didn’t catch something from me.

  3. Heidi Cruz says:

    Oh, I love you Darren for saying that to that mom. Kids come in and destroy aisles that I have reorganized…and the parents let them continue even after I walk down and start picking up after their kids.

  4. Daniel says:

    I spend most of out time in public making sure my kid is NOT an annoying little S#$T. SOme parents don’t ven seem to try.

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